Ancient China, as a country, was known for its etiquette. Mencius, in particular, prided himself on following this tradition. One specific event in Mencius’ and his wife’s daily life led him to consider divorce. What did Mencius’ wife do to upset him so much?
According to the records in Han Shi Wai Chuan, Mencius’ wife was alone in the room one day when Mencius suddenly entered unannounced and was confronted with the scene of his wife sitting on the floor and resting casually with her legs apart.
Mencius was unimpressed by his wife’s posture. He told his mother: “This woman does not know proper etiquette. Please allow me to divorce her.” His mother asked why. Mencius said: “Because she sat on the floor with her legs apart.” His mother asked: “How did you know?” He said: “I saw it with my eyes as I entered the room.”
His mother said: “You don’t know the proper etiquette, not your wife! Doesn’t the Book of Rites say that when you enter a house, you should first ask who is present? Equally, when you enter a parlour, you should first call out loudly so that the people inside are alerted to your presence and know that you have entered the room, and you must look down!
“The Book of Rites states this to avoid catching people off guard and avoid any embarrassment. You entered your wife’s room silently and unannounced. She wasn’t expecting anyone and didn’t know you were there, and as a result, you witnessed her relaxed posture. You were the one who was rude in the first instance! How can you blame your wife for not knowing proper etiquette?”
After hearing what his mother said, Mencius immediately realized his mistake and felt ashamed. He never mentioned divorce again, and his mother wisely prevented him from divorcing his wife.
In the story, Mencius’s wife sat in the room with her legs straight and apart, which, according to ancient China, was a very rude sitting posture and a sign of arrogance and disrespect. Mencius himself attached great importance to etiquette. Luckily, his mother was very understanding. She pointed out Mencius’s shortcomings and resolved his marriage crisis.
Etiquette of ancient Chinese divorce
The ancient Chinese attached great importance to gratitude and affection between couples. However, if a couple really had a bad relationship and could not live together, they had several choices to consider such as meeting the “seven conditions” and “three no-divorces” as well as “divorce in peace” and “petition.”
Divorce in peace
In ancient terms this was known as “divorce by agreement.” The earliest documented law on divorce by peaceful consent is in the Tang Laws and Commentaries on Household Marriages, which states that if there is fundamental emotional disharmony between the husband and wife and both parties wish to divorce, they can do so by mutual consent.
Unlike repudiation, a divorce in peace had to be agreed to by the woman and go through a series of procedures permitted by law before it could be considered complete. Generally speaking, this was a way to dissolve a marriage without damaging the relationship between the two families. This meant that the divorce process was often carried out in a way that did not harm the reputation of the other family.
The husband usually wrote the divorce letter, and the procedure was presided over by relatives of both parties. The topics in the letter included tactfully stating both the wife’s and the husband’s faults, expressing the wish to resolve the grievance, untying the knot, and providing blessings for the woman’s future.
Some studies believe that divorce in peace was just a euphemistic way of abandoning one’s wife because women did not have the right to initiate a divorce and could only passively choose to agree or disagree.
Seemingly, the significance of this peaceful divorce system was to ensure that the relationship between the two families would remain unaffected and any good relations between them would not be damaged.
Petition
Generally, it was difficult for women to get a divorce, but there was one exception — via the way of “petition.” This was the only way for women to initiate a divorce.
Petition was probably the ancient version of “litigation for divorce.” As long as the corresponding conditions were met, both husband and wife could file a petition with the government. A man could petition for divorce because his wife had run away, committed adultery with his father, killed the child born to a concubine, or cursed the husband.
A woman could file for divorce because her husband had been on the run for three years without returning, that he had forced or condoned his wife and concubine to commit adultery, or that he had mortgaged his wife and concubine as property.
After filing a petition, as long as it was verified by the government and permitted by law, the couple could officially divorce. In general, the system in ancient China was based on patriarchal ethics and based on the family interests; with the feelings of the individual primarily disregarded. While men were privileged, this was confined to the ethical standards of clan society. True freedom to divorce, even for men, was challenging to achieve.
Translated by Cecilia and edited by Maria
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