Recently, a Chinese-American mother from a poor background has drawn attention from the netizens. She grew up in a poor farming family in Malaysia. At 17, she immigrated to the United States; uneducated and with no money, she raised three competent sons. Two became millionaires, and the third turned into an outstanding software engineer. The woman taught her sons to take on household chores and expected them to help from a very young age.
“Mom J.” (as we will call this mother) grew up on a farm in Malaysia and thus came from a poor background. At 17, she immigrated to the United States with no education or money. She had three sons. The eldest, Justin Kan, graduated from Yale. While studying physics and psychology, he created Twitch, which was sold to Amazon in 2014 for UA$970 million. Her second child, Daniel Kan, founded Cruise, a company that develops self-driving cars. In 2016, General Motors acquired Cruise for over US$1 billion in cash and stock. Her younger son became an outstanding software engineer.
Their mother earned a Master’s degree
During a media interview, the three young men stated that their mother’s “household education method” taught them how to start and manage a company. When Mom J. first arrived in America, she couldn’t speak or understand English and was not familiar with the life system in the U.S. However, she was eager to learn. First, she attended an affordable community college for two years, then she went to the University of Washington, where she earned a Bachelor’s degree in physics and a Master’s degree in computer science. After graduating, she began working at a data equipment company and later transitioned to a real estate agency.
As a realtor, she had to repair dilapidated rental properties and their furniture on weekends so she could rent or sell the houses. So, every weekend, Mom J. would take her three sons with her to complete all the tedious repair work, such as painting walls, fixing furniture, and cleaning. The children would often assist their mother with basic office tasks, such as entering loan data. Justin said: “Helping Mom with work was stressful and painful. I will never forget how she used to respond to our complaints, while painting a house: ‘Do you think this is hard work? If you were in a Malaysian farm like the one I grew up in, you wouldn’t last one day!
She also told us that life is, to some extent, both painful and beautiful; one must accept that good and evil coexist. You cannot eliminate the bad parts; otherwise, the good ones will lose their meaning. While encouraging her children to do household chores, Mom J. had her own way to assign tasks. She did not allocate chores to each boy individually, as other parents did. She created a “chore list” and allowed the three sons to negotiate and choose the tasks they preferred.
Only when all listed works had been completed were they allowed to play computer games. Justin said: “We all felt this was unfair, but doing chores taught us a lot. It changed our mindset from ‘only thinking about ourselves’ to ‘understanding our responsibilities’ and made us realize that we were a team.” They learned to recognise and appreciate each person’s strengths, share jobs, monitor progress, consider individual capabilities, set goals, and improve their skills.
In an interview, Justin said: “I think doing chores is actually the same as running a company. In any startup, everyone is ‘in the same boat’; it doesn’t matter who does what. Specific things must be done well in order to succeed. If the business succeeds, then everyone wins. If it fails, then everyone loses.” In life, the three brothers referred to their mother as “Tiger Mom,” but they also said she was not a traditional Tiger Mom. Mom J. was “a tiger” because she had “high expectations”; she motivated her children through positive reinforcement and leading by example.
Justin said: “Mom always told us: whatever you do, give it your all… To this day, I can appreciate my achievements because I earned them through my own efforts. This is what I learned from my mom, and it makes life valuable.” In fact, the value of doing chores may far exceed your imagination.
University of Minnesota research on children doing chores
In 2002, Professor Marty Rossmann, who specialized in family education research at the University of Minnesota, published the findings of his research: Parents who encourage their children to participate in household chores can have a positive impact on their future — by cultivating a sense of responsibility, teaching them to empathize with others, and fostering compassion. A 2007 report by the Pew Research Center even indicated that sharing household tasks is one of the key factors in measuring marital satisfaction. A 2013 study on family issues in the U.S. found that couples who share household chores have happier and longer-lasting marriages.
The actual situation may be quite concerning. American developmental psychologist Richard Rende once said: “Today’s parents want their children to focus on activities that can bring them success, yet they often do not encourage them to start helping around the house at a young age.” Psychologists have found that the first natural motivation for children to help others emerges around 18 months of age.
Parents often overlook the child’s motivation, stifling the budding desire to help others and contribute to the family. Because toddlers usually make things more complicated, parents’ instinctive reaction is to quickly finish the chores themselves, wasting precious time in their formation. According to the everyday, age-appropriate chore plan for American families, the correct steps to educate children include:
18 months to 3 years:
- Pick up books and toys
- Put clothes in the laundry basket
- Place dirty dishes in the dishwasher (removing all sharp utensils beforehand)
- Help sort clothes and put them in the washing machine
- Help clear the table of clutter
- Help clean up spilled liquids (like coffee, tea, or wine)
- Water plants
- Feed pets
- Hold socks in the hands
- Help wipe tables and doorknobs
4 to 5 years: (all of the above tasks, plus additional ones)
- Help make the bed
- Help bring items from the car into the house
- Help set the table before meals
- Help weed the yard
- Assist with some simple tasks when preparing meals
6 to 7 years: (all of the above tasks, plus additional ones)
- Make their own bed
- Vacuum their room
- Keep their room clean and tidy
- Take out the trash
- Fold clean clothes
- Clean the garage
- Sort laundry
8 to 9 years: (all of the above tasks, plus additional ones)
- Walk the dog
- Make some simple snacks or meals
- Clean the bathroom
- Operate the dishwasher
- Organize the garage
10 years and older: (all of the above tasks, plus additional ones)
- Wash the car
- Clean the kitchen
- Change bed linens
- Wash windows
- Weed the yard (under adult supervision)
- Clean the bathroom
- Cook meals independently
Translated by Joseph Wu and edited by Laura Cozzolino
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