Most parents dread the moment when their teen’s gravitational pull shifts to their peers, eclipsing the previous unwavering bond they had with them. This attachment to their peers usually has downsides, leading to emotional and social issues.
The book Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Kids explores the modern trend of children and teens being primarily influenced by their peers rather than their parents or other adults. Authors Gordon Neufelf and Gabor Maté believe this is not the ideal way for children to grow. You may think that allowing your child to spend most of their time with their peers fosters independence, but these authors offer insights on securing your attachment with your teen.
Teenagers aren’t equipped to lead other teenagers
In an interview about the book, Gabor says: “For the first time in history, now you have immature creatures influencing each other inordinarily.” Gabor and Gordon, who have a special interest in childhood development, believe children should not look to their peers for guidance.
First, when children are peer-oriented, it “undermines parental authority and parental love.”Kids should not turn to other peers for guidance and instructions because they are usually not well-equipped to guide each other. According to the authors, historically, children and teens had adults around them, and nature didn’t intend for children to take up the role of guidance.
Another problem with peer orientation is that children encourage conformity instead of individuality. If you are not “cool,” other children will ostracize you and will not provide the emotional security a growing child or maturing teen needs. Peers don’t encourage vulnerability, creativity, and curiosity, and it isn’t easy to create a sense of individuality when you are busy seeking validation from your peers.
The youth culture may condone or even encourage aggressive behaviors like careless sexual behavior, drug use, bullying, teen suicides, disdain toward authority, and unmeaningful dialogue. Responsible parents would never encourage such behavior, so the book nudges parents to form stronger bonds with their children.
Shaping your attachment as early as possible
Six forms of attachment progress as the baby grows.
1. Physical attachment
First, babies need physical attachment as soon as they enter this world. Physical attachment forms a crucial foundation in childhood development and survival.
2. Imitating
Soon, the child grows and starts to imitate you as a second form of attachment. They adore you as a role model and want to imitate everything you do.
3. Sense of belonging
After this second phase comes the sense of belonging period, where your child feels part of you and becomes loyal and obedient. However, once the child realizes you matter to them, they must feel they matter to you.
4. Feel important
This forms the fourth attachment, where you need to make them feel important in your life.
5. Connect physically
The fifth attachment is the warmth we feel when we connect physically with those close to us. It involves love, warm hugs, and the soothing effect of our loved ones.
6. Individuality
Lastly, the sixth attachment is the desire to feel like a separate individual who has their thoughts, ambitions, and feelings.
If you’ve provided a secure attachment, your teen will share their fears, insecurities, curiosities, dreams, and secret longings. They’ll want you to understand them.
Reclaiming the parent-child bond
Technology has further widened the gap between parents and their teenage children. Teenagers can now connect with their peers on social media and gain influence from people they have never met.
Parents also encourage this willingness to detach, believing this promotes independence and free expression. Also, a life free of attachment gives parents more time to explore work, sleep, sanity, entertainment, and other commitments. However, the authors believe parents should value their children’s instinct to attach to them instead of their detached behavior. They say once you encourage your children’s instincts to attach to you, they will become “independent” naturally.
However, Gabor and Gordon warn parents against using punishment or bribery to draw their children to them. They say when a child lacks attachment, they may experience emotional loss, which may manifest as bad behavior. So when parents punish them for this emotional loss, they make them shut down, forcing the child to seek connection with their ill-equipped peers.
In summary, parents should seek to maintain their attachment with their teens until adulthood in a respectful and non-demanding way. The child should feel that the bond is not a means to an end, but an end itself. Remember, parent-teen attachment is not straightforward, especially if you want to heal a broken bond; it’s an undertaking you must work on every day.
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