Throughout life, we experience numerous reconciliations with various people, whether they are close, distant, adversaries, or unrelated. However, reconciling with our inner selves can lead to breakthroughs and maturity.
A transformative moment
I experienced a transformative moment of letting go and reconciling with my inner self, which profoundly impacted me and made me feel reborn. Before marriage, there was an unforgettable moment when, after dating my husband for over a year, I realized that our personalities and values were vastly different despite our mutual affection. After much contemplation, I decided to break up.
Unexpectedly, he tearfully pleaded, telling me it was only the second time he had cried since childhood. He expressed how much he loved me and promised to change anything I was dissatisfied with. Not wanting to hurt someone who loved me deeply, I made a silent decision: since he loved and cared for me so much and was such a kind person, I believed that with effort, I could change him after marriage.
This unexpected gamble unfolded in my life. My husband is a carefree person who doesn’t dwell on things. During our courtship, watching movies together was our favorite activity. Films easily move me, and after watching them, I would be full of emotions and eager to share them with him. However, he would remain silent, making me wonder how I could share my life and connect with him if we married. Yet, his deep affection softened my inner conflicts.
Challenges after marriage
After marriage, he was still a man of few words. After work, he would often fall asleep exhausted on the sofa. When he finally woke up, he preferred watching TV or reading the newspaper without interruptions. Dinners were rushed, and discussions about children or household matters were met with “you decide.” He never shared his worries; even when I tried to talk at bedtime, he would fall asleep after a few words. Worse, he often socialized late into the night, sometimes coming home too drunk to enter the house. I wondered, “Is this the marriage life I want to live forever?”
I cannot bow to fate, so my determination to change him motivated me to learn. I joined book clubs, attended life workshops, listened to lectures, and read extensively on personal growth — hoping to change him. The result? The higher the expectations, the more profound the disappointment.
We often argued over differing opinions, leading to weekly cold wars, with minor quarrels every three days and major ones every five. Arguments became our only form of communication. Although we sometimes communicated through letters, initially, he would comfort me, telling me not to overthink. But as time passed, he stopped reading them, or if he did, he showed no reaction. Despite my efforts, I lost faith in our marriage, feeling like we lived in separate worlds.
A new perspective
A Buddhist master once said: “No one can harm you; only you can harm yourself.” Initially, I found this reasonable, but I couldn’t connect it to my life. After much reflection, I realized that the root cause of our marital discord was “myself.” My high standards and inability to accept his imperfections led to eighteen years of suffering. Our marriage could be saved only by letting go of my attachments and reconciling with my inner self.
I began to confess my foolishness to my husband, accepting and embracing him wholeheartedly, considering him in everything, and appreciating his virtues. This created more space for us to learn and grow together. In recent years, my husband has worked in mainland China. I often invite him to take the children out when he returns to Taiwan for vacation. In the past, he would say: “If you want to go, take the kids yourself. Don’t drag me along.” Now, he actively invites us, and his mindset has broadened. He often shares beautiful sights with me.
Finding joy in simplicity
In the past, when he called home, I would complain: “Is everything okay at home?’ all you can say? Don’t you have anything else to say?” Regardless of what he says on the phone, I am filled with joy because he thinks of us from afar and calls to check on the family. That’s a blessing! Why demand eloquence from him?
Nowadays, when we are together, we often take walks after meals to discuss his recent experiences, my growth, and family matters. We’ve learned to apologize to each other, no longer insisting on being right. He is also willing to participate in our children’s education and thoughtfully meets my needs.
The sweet fruits of harmony
The fruits of harmony with others are indeed sweet. In the past, I was blinded by societal standards of a happy marriage, unable to see my husband’s virtues. Now, we are slowly emerging from the shadows of our marriage. I once heard a wise person say: “When you step out of the narrow space of self-interest, your heart will be filled with strength, and peace and joy will accompany you always.” How true this is.
Without experiencing adversity and setbacks, without releasing oneself from heart-wrenching bitterness, how can one savor the sweet spring of life and appreciate its richness? I am grateful for the kind teachings and my husband, who has allowed me to mature through marriage.
Follow us on X, Facebook, or Pinterest
