The relationship a woman has with her mother-in-law has always been a critical part of any marital relationship in any culture. The delicate dance between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law has been a source of fascination, frustration, and humor for millennia.
Once you’ve chosen your partner, you must combine your two families. Now you have new siblings, uncles, cousins, and additional parents with whom you must create new relationships — and your partner must do the same.
Despite the undeserved reputation in-laws get, you can always build a great relationship with your mother-in-law or even mend broken ties with her. It’s easy to feel that your mother-in-law is out to humiliate or demean you, but remember that most parents want the best for their children, and if you bring them closer (with clear boundaries), your relationship may change.
1. Be inclusive
Your mother-in-law has probably lived longer with your partner than you, so don’t let her feel left out. Being inclusive reduces the chances of uninvited visits or her imposing on your schedule. Invite her to special occasions such as birthdays, holidays, and other events. You can even go out with her for Christmas shopping or other appropriate outings that make her feel appreciated.
2. Be polite
Whether you are newlywed or trying to mend a not-so-good relationship with your mother-in-law, politeness helps you get along. You don’t have to like anyone to be polite to them, and she is a new family member who will be part of your life for a long time. The sooner you get along, the better for both of you.
3. Create reasonable boundaries
Every relationship needs boundaries. They give you peace of mind and ensure those around you know your absolute no-nos. It isn’t easy to define boundaries with your new in-laws, but it’s more uncomfortable when they keep doing something that repeatedly pushes your buttons.
Remember, you don’t have to snap at your mother-in-law to let her know she’s crossed your boundaries. Don’t assume she automatically understands your issues, so pull her aside and share your feelings and needs. Also, use “I” statements to communicate your concerns instead of accusatory statements that make the other person defensive.
4. Don’t budge on big decisions
Some decisions are yours and your partner’s alone. Where do you want to live? Who will pick up your children from school? Which programs, books, or language do you want in your home?
5. Let the little things slide
Snide comments, criticisms, or insinuations usually hurt. But sometimes, picking a fight makes things worse, so breathe in, breathe out, and try not to dwell on unfounded criticisms. Remember, most of the time, people say things that are not personal, and sometimes, if you take time and reflect, you may find they are right.
Also, you may have set your boundaries, but some things are trivial. For example, you may not want your children to have sweets or toys, but if she goes out of her way to buy them for your children, don’t make a big fuss and let it go. Let her have the grandma privilege since you have the parent privilege of regulating how your child uses their new toys or gifts.
6. Communicate with your partner
It would be best if you always tried to communicate your feelings and concerns with your mother-in-law. However, sometimes, your in-laws may not understand your issues because they come from a different generation, background, or culture. Speak with your husband about the problem, but don’t use an accusatory tone. For example, say: “It makes me uncomfortable when your mother comes over and changes our whole menu for the day or the whole weekend. Do you think you can speak to her about it?”
Remember, you and your husband are a team, but he may not want to be the enforcer even if he agrees with you. Or he may decide to pick the middle ground. Understand his stance and agree on a better course of action — how to tell your mother-in-law she’s crossing a line.
7. Get to know your mother-in-law
Most people dread spending time with their in-laws, but it may be the key to unlocking a stronger relationship. Ask her about her job, hobbies, childhood, or funny things about your spouse’s childhood. You may find something both of you like, and you may finally understand her perspective or why she acts the way she does.
8. Don’t compete
All of us have our strengths and weaknesses. Your mother-in-law may be a great cook or decorator, and you may be wasting your time trying to outdo her. Instead of competing, you can make her feel needed and appreciated by asking for her advice and support when doing something she is better at.
Also, don’t compete with your mother-in-law for her son’s affection. Allow them to interact without you, especially if they rarely meet. Remember that the two relationships are different.
9. Give her space and a chance to grow
We are our parents’ children, and it’s easy to forget that our parents are also growing. Give your mother-in-law space to come to terms with the “loss of her son,” especially if they had a close relationship. She may take some time to like you or vice versa, but that’s okay.
Takeaway
Most people dread the proverbial “mother-in-law” drama, yet you can have a smooth, even loving, relationship with her. Cultural norms, personal histories, and expectations usually influence in-law relationships. However, if you understand your mother-in-law’s role, set and respect boundaries, find common ground, and make her feel included, you can navigate and nurture this important connection.
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