Walt Whitman, a renowned American poet, wrote: “Be curious, not judgmental.” But where do you draw the line between curiosity and being critical? And how do you become less judgmental?
Being hypercritical can hurt your relationships with others or make them avoid you. It’s easy to think you are helpful, but some sentiments can hurt your friends or family. It may make people feel emotionally unsafe around you. So that’s what you should actively avoid.
Imagine someone giving you unsolicited opinions about your looks, clothing, partner (or lack of), living situation, food, career, or more. It becomes unbearable, but unfortunately, that’s what most people do. And social media has made it all too easy to become over-critical, sometimes even to strangers.
Today, social media has made judgment more toxic and mean-spirited. It fuels conflict, and because of its anonymity, it’s easy to become more judgmental to the point that it consumes you. Being critical all the time is exhausting and time-consuming. Plus, you’re usually angry about people you know nothing about.
But becoming less judgmental can create smoother relationships with your coworkers, employees, partners, or children.
How to avoid being judgmental
Introspection
More often than not, the need to judge other people harshly comes from your insecurities. Your deeply-held insecurity may be subconscious or conscious. So you are not criticizing other people’s choices; you are pointing out their shortcomings to make your choices seem superior.
It’s important to look inward to understand the source being overcritical. For example, is your friend who’s been dating jerks all her life entering a relationship with someone who looks like one? Pause back and ask yourself why you are concerned about this and how your annoyance serves in this example.
Of course, your intentions may be good; you want to save your friend from another heartbreak. But by pausing for a bit, you stop yourself from making snide or unhelpful comments. And through introspection, you may even realize you are lonely and don’t want to see your friend dating.
By looking inward, you notice your insecurities and work on them.
Notice the triggers
Why is another person’s eating, dressing, or career choices pushing your buttons? Noticing your judgmental triggers helps you work slowly toward being less critical.
Most of the time, people don’t plan on being overcritical about everything. It’s usually a reflex action and not something that’s consciously designed. However, once you find your triggers, you can work to rethink and rephrase your comments in those moments.
Are you more judgmental when hungry, angry, or around some people? Find your triggers, and you may change your emotional awareness.
Empathy
You probably have probably heard the phrase “walking in other people’s shoes” for the umpteenth time. But clichéd as it may sound, empathy helps assuage unnecessary conflicts.
It’s easy to pass judgment before understanding a person’s full story. For example, say someone is spending little on luxuries or too much on everything. Understanding their reason for this can help you put their spending into perspective.
Growing up, they may have been wealthy, and spending doesn’t bother them. Or they may have been so poor that they feel the need to enjoy certain things now that they can afford them. Or maybe that person loves quality, pricey items.
There are so many possibilities you may overlook when judging a person.
Accept
Once you empathize with someone, accepting them without trying to change them is essential. The first step of receiving is rewriting your criticism and giving it a positive spin. This step can also be quite helpful with self-criticism. Yes, you realize something is wrong, but you don’t put others (or yourself) down with your criticism.
Plus, always ask yourself: “What if the other person is trying their best?” This question instantly helps you become more empathetic and understanding.
Don’t exhaust yourself trying to change others because it can be exhausting. Instead, acceptance is much easier, and you’ll save yourself from constant frustration.
Show compassion
Compassion and acceptance go hand in hand. Once you’ve accepted a person for who they are, show them mercy. And if you’ve mistakenly judged a person, don’t be too hard on yourself; show yourself some compassion. You’ll improve next time because avoiding being hypercritical is a process.
Showing compassion makes two people happier — you and the other person. And one way to build understanding is by pushing yourself to meet new people, places, and ideas. As Trevor Noah, a comedian, said in a recent interview, new experiences help you end long-held biases against other people.
Remember, becoming less judgmental doesn’t mean not speaking up. There are better ways to share your opinion. Being curious and striving to know more about a person makes you friendly and more approachable and opens a new world of experiences.
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