In his hierarchy of needs theory, Maslow stated that “humans need respect and self-actualization.” Offering respect to others or allowing them to “save face” is an essential expression of that need. When individuals neglect to provide respect, they miss the chance to connect meaningfully with others, and in turn, their sense of self-worth may decline when they are not respected.
To save face of others
Example one
During the Han Dynasty, General Guan Fu was celebrated for his bravery, skill in battle, and strong sense of justice. However, he had a significant flaw: He often failed to show respect to others and publicly aired their faults. One day, during a banquet, the Prime Minister insisted that Guan drink, saying: “You must finish this cup.”
Guan boldly replied: “I won’t do it.” An argument ensued, and in anger, Guan revealed the Prime Minister’s misdeeds in front of the guests. The Prime Minister — also the uncle of Emperor Wu of Han — reported this disrespect to the emperor, ultimately leading to Guan’s execution.
There are no perfect people in this world. For minor issues that do not breach principles or are trivial, we should extend others the grace to save face and preserve their self-esteem. When individuals experience your understanding, tolerance, and generosity, they will likely remember this kindness, learn from their mistakes, and deepen their friendship.
Example two
Zhang Daqian created a painting titled Cicada on Green Willow, featuring a giant cicada perched on a willow branch preparing to take flight. Upon seeing the artwork, Qi Baishi remarked: “Zhang Daqian, this painting is incredibly lifelike. However, in my experience painting cicadas, I consulted a farmer who mentioned that cicadas usually have their heads facing up, and it’s rare for them to face downward. Of course, that’s just one farmer’s perspective; I haven’t observed it, so it may not be entirely accurate.”
After hearing this, Zhang took the opportunity to observe cicadas while sketching at Qingcheng Mountain and found that the cicadas on the trees all had their heads facing up. Upon returning, he informed Qi of his observation, to which Qi mysteriously smiled and said: “I’ve observed that too!”
At that moment, Zhang understood that Qi was aware of his mistake, but had pretended not to know to preserve his self-esteem, claiming the information came from a farmer. Using the farmer’s words, Qi pointed out Zhang’s error while expressing his uncertainty, allowing Zhang to save face.
In life, when you discover someone else’s error, if you bluntly point it out without regard for the situation, it can make the other person feel embarrassed, making it hard for them to accept your criticism. However, if you approach it with a tone of inquiry or discussion, allowing the other person to save face, they will likely feel more at ease, resulting in a more positive outcome.
People with a deeper understanding and compassion better empathize and consider others’ perspectives. They recognize the importance of respect, knowing that it reflects equality, value, character, and cultivation.
Example three
A kindly abbot compassionately took in a homeless boy and taught him the basic knowledge expected of a monk, including calligraphy, reading, and chanting scriptures. The young monk was brilliant and learned quickly. However, the abbot soon observed that whenever the boy grasped a new principle, he would boast about it to everyone around him, reveling in praise and pride. This behavior was not in line with the humility expected of a monk.
To help him enlighten, the abbot devised a plan. He gave the boy a pot of night-blooming jasmine and asked him to observe the flowers at night. The next day, the young monk came to the abbot, holding the flowers and saying: “This pot of flowers is amazing! It blooms at night, filling the air with fragrance, but the flowers close by morning!”
The abbot asked: “Did their blooming disturb you?” The young monk replied: “No, they open and close quietly.” The abbot looked kindly at the boy and said: “Oh, I see! I thought the flowers would make noise to show off when they bloomed!” Upon hearing this, the young monk blushed and respectfully said to the abbot: “I understand now.”
Respect shapes a person’s upbringing. Considering others’ feelings and understanding their perspectives fosters trust and support. It is an attitude, a skill, and a virtue that involves empathy and upholding others’ dignity. When we give flowers to others, we are the first to enjoy their fragrance; when we throw mud, our hands are the first to get dirty.
Translated by Joseph Wu and edited by Tatiana Denning
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