Anger is a complex emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. If not managed properly, it can damage relationships and lead to conflicts. For parents, dealing with an angry child can be particularly challenging. However, experts now share a practical solution: a simple phrase that can calm children of any age when upset.
Jeffrey Bernstein, an American psychologist and author, wrote on Psychology Today that anger is one of the most complex emotions children need to manage. For parents, handling a frustrated or angry child can be equally challenging.
This phrase calms angry children down
Bernstein provides examples: Whether it’s a toddler throwing toys, a school-aged child stomping their feet, a teenager rolling their eyes, or an adult child blaming you for past mistakes, your reaction in these tense moments can escalate or de-escalate the conflict. Based on his experience guiding parents, Bernstein reveals a simple phrase that works wonders in calming children of any age: “I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you.”
This phrase, though simple, holds profound psychological power. It accomplishes three things simultaneously: (1) acknowledges their feelings, (2) reassures them they are not alone, and (3) creates space for them to calm down without feeling judged.
Why this phrase works
- It validates their feelings: Bernstein mentions in his book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child that whether your child is 5 or 25, when angry, they often feel misunderstood, ignored, or powerless. Saying, “I see you’re upset right now,” shows that their emotions matter. When children (and adults) feel unheard, their emotions escalate. Validating their feelings can prevent this.
- It offers comfort, not resistance: Bernstein advises against correcting children with phrases like “Calm down!” or “Stop overreacting!” Instead, use the suggested phrase, which assures them of your presence. Anger often masks underlying feelings of fear, sadness, or frustration.
- It invites care, not control: People resist control, especially when overwhelmed. Telling children what to do at their angriest moments may make them more stubborn. Being present and expressing support can transform a power struggle into an opportunity for care.
Successful case studies
Bernstein shares several successful cases using this phrase to defuse children’s anger. In one instance, a 15-year-old girl named Sienna stormed into the house, threw down her backpack, and exclaimed: “I can’t stand my teacher!” Her father didn’t respond with “Watch your attitude,” but instead said: “I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you.” Sienna rolled her eyes but did not escalate her emotions. Later, she openly discussed her feelings of being maltreated.
Tips for effective use
- Stay calm: Your tone matters. Speak warmly, not with frustration.
- Use gentle body language. Talk at your child’s level, and give teenagers or adults space if needed.
- Give them time: They may not respond immediately but will hear you.
- Follow up when they are ready: Help them process their emotions and seek solutions once they have calmed down.
Conclusion
Bernstein concludes that while this phrase won’t magically eliminate every meltdown or angry moment, it lays the foundation for trust, emotional regulation, and care. Over time, regardless of your child’s age, they will know that even in their worst moments, you are a haven.
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