When it comes to repaying kindness, too many people immediately think of treating someone to a meal. In truth, besides dining together, there are three other appropriate ways to express gratitude to those who have helped you. In modern terms, these are: reciprocal assistance, discreet enabling, and paying it forward. These methods allow us to express our appreciation while ensuring our gratitude is fully described.
Reciprocal assistance
The Classic of Admonitions tells a story of good deeds being rewarded. A man named Shi Fu made his living raising silkworms. While selling silk, he found a bundle containing six taels of silver. He thought: If an ordinary person lost this silver, they would be frantic and might even do something rash. So he waited at the spot for a long time and returned the silver to its owner, Zhu En. Zhu En insisted on taking Shi Fu to a tavern for drinks to express his gratitude, but Shi Fu declined.
Sometime later, Shi Fu’s family ran low on mulberry leaves, so he took a boat to purchase some. One night, while seeking a fire to light his way, he unexpectedly reencountered Zhu En. This time, without hesitation, Zhu En gave Shi Fu mulberry leaves from his own garden and personally rowed the boat to deliver them.
Extend a helping hand when others need it. Shi Fu’s refusal of the meal allowed Zhu En the opportunity to repay the kindness later in a way that was far more meaningful and practical. This shows that the deepest repayment is offering timely, reciprocal assistance.
Discreet enabling
Actor Chow Yun-fat carved out his own path through his acting skills and earned considerable wealth. In daily life, he remained approachable. Some netizens earn money by filming and posting their daily activities online. Rather than getting angry, he encourages them to come closer and chat.
When Wu Mengda was deep in gambling debt, he sought Chow’s help. Chow refused outwardly but secretly arranged for Wu Mengda to appear in a production, where he won Best Supporting Actor. Wu Mengda then turned over a new leaf, dedicating himself to acting and embodying positive values, earning public recognition. The film industry reverently calls him “Uncle Da.”
When someone rises after receiving this kind of discreet help, proving themselves through achievements and winning hearts with character, their benefactor feels genuine joy. The actual repayment is the beneficiary’s realized potential, making the support feel worthwhile and meaningful because it enabled earned success.
Paying it forward
Once, a young man set out on a long car journey, but his vehicle broke down midway. Just then, a young man on horseback passed by and, without hesitation, agreed to take him to town for help. Upon reaching the town, the young man was deeply grateful and wanted to thank the horseman properly. The horseman told him: “You needn’t thank me, but if someone else encounters hardship, you must also lend a helping hand.” The young man nodded in agreement. Over the years that followed, he helped countless people, constantly repeating the exact words of advice he had heard from the horseman.
Once, while returning home, the young man was caught in a flood and stranded on an isolated island. A stranger swam out to rescue him, braving the danger. Deeply moved, the young man tried to thank him, but the rescuer repeated the very words he had always passed on to others: “You needn’t thank me, but remember to help others in need.” It turned out this chain of kindness had come full circle back to him. At this realization, a warm wave of emotion filled his heart.
When we receive help from others, we can, in turn, pass on our gratitude, extending warmth to the next person, thereby creating a self-sustaining chain of kindness that elevates the entire community.
Embracing the spirit of de
Ultimately, repaying kindness is not about a financial transaction or a social formality like dinner. It is about a more profound commitment: to reciprocate help when needed, to enable success subtly, or to pay the act of grace forward. These three methods align with the Chinese philosophical concept of de (德), often translated as “virtue,” “moral character,” or “inherent power.”
Actual repayment moves beyond li (禮, mere ritual or propriety) toward actively cultivating dee. By engaging in reciprocal kindness, discreet enabling, and paying it forward, we embody the virtue the benefactor showed us. The greatest gift we can give a benefactor is to live a life that proves their kindness was not only worthy of investment but has become a profound and enduring force for good in the world.
Translated by Audrey Wang and edited by Helen London
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