Arguments in a relationship are never pretty, and most of us would do anything to avoid them. However, handling your relationship conflicts can determine how your partner feels about you going forward.
In romantic relationships, like in professional ones, you must learn to disagree. Your words can erode trust, heighten tension, stir negative emotions, or hurt your partner’s feelings.
This article explores common phrases to avoid in an argument and alternative words.
Words to avoid in arguments and what to say instead
‘You never…,’ or ‘You always…’
This is an accusatory phrasing that feels like you are making a blanket statement. It’s usually an exaggeration to elicit an emotional response, and you’ll most likely get one. When the other person feels like they are being accused, they will take a defensive approach, and your message gets lost in the following argument.
Instead of these all-or-nothing statements, use specific “I” statements and say what’s bothering you. “Yesterday, I felt hurt when you didn’t stand up for me when your friend (or family member) insulted me. Next time, I’d appreciate your support.”
‘You are stupid!’, ‘Shut up!’, or ‘Don’t be childish!’
Derogatory terms should never be used because they are belittling and create an atmosphere of superiority vs. inferiority. Belittling or making your partner fear you is the opposite of compassion, love, and safety.
If you are insulting someone, you are feeling an emotion, so say it out loud but objectively: “I feel bad when you shout at me because it means I’ve made you angry about something. Can we please talk about it?”
‘I’ll talk to you when you can think straight,’ or ‘You’re overreacting!’
Here, you are taking a position where you are the rational one, and your partner is crazy or irrational. This invalidates your partner’s feelings, making them feel their emotions don’t matter.
Instead of being dismissive, try phrases like: “I can see you are upset, and we are beginning to shout — I know I am; it must be the adrenaline pumping, so let’s take a few minutes and speak about this respectfully.”
‘We are done. I’m out of here!’, or ‘I don’t even know why I’m with you!’
Threatening to leave someone or showing that you would have done better is one of the most hurtful things, especially if you didn’t mean it. Asking for a few minutes to cool down is okay. However, when your words scream: “I don’t love you anymore, or I would rather be somewhere else!” they erode trust and love.
‘If you loved me, you would…’
This manipulative statement may make your partner feel controlled, pressured, or guilty. It means the only way to show love is by meeting your demands or expectations. It begs the question: What about her independence and choices?
So instead of “If you loved me, you would have made breakfast for me,” try phrases like “I enjoy your pancakes, and if you get time, I’d love to savor them again and again.” You show your partner you love them and understand they have other preferences or things to do — even if you think it’s their free time.
‘You’re just like your…’
Nobody likes being compared to another person, especially when someone wants to make you feel inferior. Avoid making your partner feel betrayed, humiliated, or insulted in an argument by comparing them with someone in their family or friend circle.
If you’re disappointed, use the “I” statements where you mention the specifics of why you are upset. This way, the other person doesn’t feel judged on the opinions or actions of others.
Takeaway
Arguments are inevitable in every relationship, but they don’t have to be demeaning, insulting, or dismissive. Instead of using destructive phrases, use constructive sentences that show you understand and respect your partner’s feelings or emotions. Remember, you are a team; the right words can strengthen your bond.
