Zheng Banqiao (1693-1765) was a renowned official, calligrapher, painter, and writer in the Qing Dynasty. He was known as the “Three Wonders” in poetry, calligraphy, and painting. He clocked up remarkable political achievements and was known for being an upright official of his generation.
Zheng Bianqiao only became a father when he was 52 and loved his son very much. Zheng was already well in years when his son was born, but he did not pamper or dote on his son.
So how did Zheng Banqiao’s parenting measure up? Also, as a good teacher at educating other people’s children, Zheng was very alert regarding his parenting responsibilities.
The value of good conduct
Zheng worked as an official in Fan County, Shandong Province, for 12 years, leaving his son for extended periods at the home of his younger brother, Zheng Mo, in the countryside of Xinghua. In addition to his busy schedule of official duties, he sent many letters to his hometown and family on managing the household and disciplining the children. In his elder years, he sorted out those letters and preserved dozens of them, summarized as Zheng Banqiao’s Family Letters, in which many insightful educational principles were put forward.
Zheng Banqiao’s Family Letters repeatedly instructed family members to teach their children how to behave. In Chinese tradition, it is said that “one who excels in learning will become an official,” and studying to become an official and being successful in the chosen career is in the same category. However, in that era, Zheng placed “being a human being above being an official.” He warned himself to “not be proud when you succeed, but give back to your family” and asked his descendants to do the same.
Grow their kindness and drive away their cruel nature
One time, Zheng heard that his son Xiaobao showed off to his friends: “My father is a big official far away!” His son sometimes bullied the servants’ children. Zheng Banqiao immediately wrote to his brother: “Always pay attention to the children’s conduct, grow their kindness, and drive away their cruel nature.” The family members followed these instructions and strictly disciplined Xiaobao. Seeing significant progress, they wrote to Zheng Banqiao and praised his son cheerfully.
Zheng was not very convinced, so he wrote back, giving many warnings: “It is a trivial matter to be promoted to a high level, to be a Jinshi, or to be an official. The priority is to be sensible and be a good person.”
When Zheng heard the words and deeds of his pupils bullying their friends, he immediately became vigilant and asked the parents to “drive away their cruel nature” because parents are responsible for their children’s lives.
‘True love for children is building moral character, not doting and indulging their every whim’
His parenting advice is well-intentioned, and his passion for educating children is beyond debate. His work has a passage that later generations have evaluated as “an indelible text.” Zheng Banqiao wrote: “I only got my son when I was fifty-two years old. How can I not love him. However, love must be made in the right way. The right way is true love, and not the right way is doing.”
In this manner, Zheng Banqiao repeatedly instructed his family not to tolerate Xiaobao’s arrogance and indulgence. It can be seen that Zheng’s so-called “love in his way” and the “way” he used to love and educate children was by building their moral character. As a master of poetry and prose with knowledge and wisdom from ancient times, he did not agree that studying was just for becoming an official and getting rich. He did not want his son to become a profit-seeking, arrogant, and domineering “second-generation official.”
Learn from experience and think of others
Zheng Banqiao also taught poetry to children, not to pave his way to glory and wealth but to let them assimilate the principles in books. When his son was 6 years old, Zheng took him as his student and personally taught him. The child recited excellent poems and essays every day.
Zheng regularly taught him mundane things such as eating and dressing etiquette and how to do housework, wash dishes, and carry water without stopping. He also specially copied easy-to-read ancient poems and taught his son to read and sing them simultaneously, gaining education from experience.
Many parents, he believed, taught their children to be the first in everything after they go to school. Zheng Banqiao said: “My child is six years old, the youngest to go to school. He is not allowed to call his classmates by their first names.” Zheng told his son that after going to school, he should not be arrogant or impetuous, should not hurt others intentionally, and always think of others. As a father and teacher, his starting point was to teach the children how to behave well.
Learn to stand on your own two feet
Zheng always taught his son to be self-reliant, stand on his own two feet, and learn to think for himself so he would not be misled. His loving father’s proactive education continued until the end of his life. It is said that before Zheng Banqiao died, he made sure that his son made several steamed buns and brought them to his bedside before he could rest assured and close his eyes.
The last lesson he left to his son was: “Sweat your sweat, earn your food, do your own business, rely on Heaven, earth, and ancestors; you are not considered a hero.” Zheng Banqiao did not dote over his children; he “loved in his way,” so his young pupils grew up with moral character, kindness, productivity, and self-reliance. He was a sage father and teacher, leaving a legacy for future generations to learn from.
The consequences of academic pressure
The recent grizzly murder of a Google engineer by her husband in the United States in 2024 shocked the Chinese community. The alleged suspect’s name is given as Liren Chen, 27. Both he and his victim’s wife were top academics. Chen’s parents had devoted much effort to him since he was a child, and he became a dazzling top student in elementary school. He appeared on a local magazine’s cover and was called “the perfect person for others.”
Can such a tragedy be a wake-up call for parents who put academic performance above all else? Is the academic rat race to the bottom worth such devastation? Is there an opportunity and good reason for parents to focus on their children’s academic studies and achievements, look at their children’s welfare and mental health, and emphasize holistic development?
Children, more than ever before in the history of the world, are targets of every kind of perversity and evil. Peer pressure and cyberbullying are also rife. Children urgently need protection and proper guidance. There may still be much to learn from ancient exemplars such as Zheng Banqiao on how to be a good parent and truly guide the lives of children.
Translated by Chua BC
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