Falling into the trap of people-pleasing is a common dilemma, often fueled by the addictive lure of constant validation that makes us feel needed and valued. Yet, this desire to make everyone around us happy comes with significant costs, including frustration, anxiety, stress, depleted willpower, and even severe burnout. This may undermine the relationships you are trying to build because you don’t have time for self-care and self-love.
Before we explore how to break free from the people-pleasing trap, let’s first look at the nature of a people-pleaser and how such behavior typically originates.
Understanding people-pleasing
People-pleasers habitually prioritize others’ needs over their own to appease or please them. While kindness is commendable, excessive people-pleasing can harm one’s well-being. This behavior is often rooted in a personality trait known as “sociotrophy,” where one believes that approval and validation from others are essential for maintaining relationships.
The origins of people-pleasing can vary, including childhood trauma, overbearing parenting, insecurity, low self-esteem, and past experiences. Regardless of the cause, finding a healthy balance between altruism and self-love is crucial.
How to stop being a people-pleaser
Self reflection
The journey toward reclaiming your authenticity begins with introspection. Are you guilty of people-pleasing? What makes you say yes to everything, and whom can’t you say no to? And above all, does it bother you?
Answering these questions is crucial in understanding the root causes of people-pleasing and initiating positive changes.
Set goals for your life
We all have life goals, but are you setting yours aside to help others attain theirs? You must remind yourself of your short-term and long-term aspirations to regain control of your life. Reconnecting with your personal goals is a powerful reminder of your priorities, enabling you to assertively decline requests that divert you from your path. It becomes easier to say “no” to something when you have other things to say “yes” to.
Start small
Overcoming the ingrained habit of people-pleasing is a gradual process. So start small and build your confidence to say no to people. You can ask your partner, a trusted friend, or a therapist to help you practice saying no.
Alternatively, you can use real-life situations to practice. Start by saying no over texts or chats, and practice with the door-to-door salesperson or a waitperson who wants you to buy something you don’t need.
You don’t have to say an outright “no,” but start with little compromises. For example, in the case of the salesman, ask him: “Can I take your number and call you when I need this.”
Take a pause
Anytime someone asks you to do something, pause and give yourself a moment to consider your response. Take this time to check in with yourself to know if it’s something you want to do, if you have the time to do it, and how much it will affect you if you say yes. If it’s a big commitment or something you need to consider, use statements like “I don’t have my calendar with me; give me time to check” or “Let me check with my spouse.”
A pause helps you to avoid automatically saying yes and reevaluate your priorities. And don’t fear the silence; it may help you project a sense of confidence and authority.
Don’t make excuses
Making excuses opens a window for the other person to challenge you, poke holes in your excuses, or change their request in a way that makes it so you can’t say no. Your “no” should be decisive.
Adopt mantras like “No is a complete sentence,” “You don’t owe anyone an excuse or unwarranted apology,” or “I’m allowed to say no.”
Say ‘I don’t’ instead of ‘I can’t’
Once you’ve built your confidence and self-assuredness, start saying: “I don’t.” People-pleasers always find themselves trapped because of how they say no. “I can’t” statements may not seem decisive enough for some people. So, instead of saying: “I can’t go to the party,” say: “I don’t want to go to the party.” This lets you shut down toxic people and eliminate unwanted commitments because you sound more confident.
Establish clear boundaries and get rid of toxic people
Who’s that “friend” or family member who keeps pestering you into things you don’t want to do? You may have one person you can’t say no to, however busy you are. Sift through your friend list, and you’ll see the people who leave you feeling drained and frustrated after spending time with them. Surprisingly, it may turn out to be your parents or siblings. Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries with these people is fundamental to preserving your mental and emotional well-being.
Seek inner validation
As you wean off the dependence on external validation, invest in activities and relationships that bolster your self-esteem and bring you genuine joy. Seek out individuals who appreciate your company without expecting you to do anything in return.
Don’t throw kindness out the window
Opting out of people-pleasing doesn’t mean abandoning kindness. It’s about offering help when feasible and being clear about your limitations. So if you feel you can do something, but have limited ability or time, tell them: “I can come to your party, but only for the first half hour.”
By embracing these strategies, you can shed the burden of people-pleasing and step into a life of greater freedom and authenticity, where your needs and desires are given the importance they deserve.
