Marriages have ups and downs, and almost every couple has thought about divorce at least once. In the U.S., the rate is about 40-50 percent for first marriages and 60-70 percent for second marriages. The numbers aren’t very different across many countries worldwide.
Of course, there are valid grounds for divorcing, such as infidelity, physical and emotional violence, addiction issues, financial irresponsibility, or lack of intimacy. But many marriage experts and therapists believe most people jump onto the divorce bandwagon too fast — to some, it even seems fashionable. Some people seek a divorce over issues that can be resolved if both partners are willing to work on the problems.
However, this may not work out as you think in the long run. So before you sign your papers, look at the other side of the coin. This article explores reasons not to get a divorce.
6 reasons not to get divorced
1. Emotional grief
For most people, divorcing feels like the loss of a loved one and the death of a family. Imagine you’ve known and shared your intimate moments with this one person for years, and now you’ve got to sever this relationship. It will feel like part of you is dead.
2. It affects your children
Most people who argue for divorcing advise parents, especially women, not to stay in a dying relationship because of their children. And yes, never put yourself or your kids in harm’s way because you think it will appease an abusive partner or save your kids from the hurt of divorce.
However, consider how divorcing will affect your kids, especially if you can resolve your issues. Most kids blame themselves for their parents’ divorcing, and this will have permanent emotional, physical, and psychological effects on their lives. It hurts even more when you start competing for custody or constantly seek to undermine each other in your children’s presence.
3. Financial toll
Most people are faced with harsh financial realities once they divorce. A healthy relationship involves two people working as a team to overcome life’s obstacles. Bringing your resources together is one way to do this, and long-term partners are relatively financially stable. However, when you divorce, your shared financial goal is shattered, and you must work towards a new goal.
Divorcing also comes with several costs, including proceeding fees, child support, alimony, dividing up your property, etc.
4. Loss of confidence and identity
Unfortunately, the happiness and freedom that some “experts” promise people looking to divorce rarely come. Divorcing may leave you questioning and second-guessing every choice, and from the stats above, we can see second marriages are more complicated. You may also start questioning how desirable you are, and that’s why many divorcees begin serial dating immediately after their break-up instead of taking a break and honestly assessing their situation.
Another problem is the loss of identity. Spending so much time together creates this blended identity with your partner, but you must find a new identity when you divorce. Who do you become, and how do you shape your new identity among your peers?
5. Loss of friends and family
Most people form new friendships once they marry. Even if you keep your previous friendships, the dynamics will change once you marry. You also join a new family, creating new relationships for you and your family.
Unfortunately, divorce will destroy this new family because your in-laws will have to pick sides — and they usually choose their blood relative. You may also lose friends who don’t want to be associated with a divorcee because they feel you may also ruin their relationship, or perhaps you remind them that their relationship can end anytime.
6. Bitter divorce battles
It’s easy to assume that you are rational and would never do what other divorcees do when they rip each other apart in court. But most people throw logic out the window once proceedings start, and issues also get worse when you have to fight for the custody of your children. Such battles become bitter situations where parents have to drag their partner’s name through the mud and use each other’s secrets against one another. You may become bitter and do anything to gain the upper hand.
In summary
Marriage experts believe about 70 percent of divorces shouldn’t happen. Some problems people think can’t be resolved, such as falling out of love, incompatibility, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, or boredom, can be fixed with patience and cooperation. You can avoid the murky waters of divorce if you understand its potential downsides and if both of you are willing to seek help and are ready to find ways to keep your relationship alive.
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