Almost everyone has experienced regret or inadequacy, but embracing strategies to forgive yourself can pave the way for profound personal growth.
Whether it’s past mistakes, regretful decisions, or feelings of inadequacy, almost everyone has that moment that keeps popping up in their mind — a mistake they can’t seem to forget. Surprisingly, it’s easier for most people to forgive or ask for forgiveness from others than to forgive themselves.
But what makes it so difficult to forgive yourself? This article explores why this is difficult, how to go about it, and how it will benefit you.
Why it’s so hard to forgive yourself
Kids are taught how to forgive and interact with others from a young age by their parents, teachers, or religious leaders. Also, generally, people avoid a person who keeps holding grudges with everyone and likes petty revenge. So most people grow up knowing how to forgive others (or at least move on), but nobody teaches them how to forgive themselves.
Another reason is that when someone wrongs you, your reasons for not forgiving them are clear. You want them to acknowledge that their actions hurt you, and once they have apologized — even if you can’t forgive them — you can move on. However, when you are disappointed with your actions, this process becomes more challenging because of the inner conflict. People hold themselves to a higher standard than others and can’t reconcile their wrongdoing with who they are at the core.
In this instance, your feelings go deeper than anger because you’ve probably behaved in a way that contradicts your values. Forgiving yourself becomes even more complicated when guilt and disappointment turn to shame. Your actions become something you cannot sit with, and some people turn to negative feelings or false justifications to make up for whatever they did. That’s why you should learn to forgive yourself.
Why we should forgive ourselves
Negative feelings can make you susceptible to anxiety, stress, and depression. When you forgive yourself, you can boost your self-image and feelings of well-being.
A study from Stanford University showed that self-compassion boosts your mental health, improving your productivity and relationships with others. Self-forgiveness can enhance your confidence, focus, resilience, and empathy.
Letting go of negative feelings can also benefit your body. Research has shown that forgiveness can reduce bodily pain, cortisol levels, and blood pressure. Also, it lowers the risk of cardiovascular problems.
Forgiving yourself helps you avoid the pitfalls of eternal self-blame, self-flagellation, and pity. It’s okay to feel confused when you’ve done something that contradicts your values, but give yourself room to learn and grow. Without self-compassion, you risk losing your self-image, relationships, and ability to take risks in the future.
5 Strategies for self-forgiveness
1. Accept that you aren’t perfect
You must understand that you aren’t perfect when you do something wrong. You may feel like a horrible human being, but continuously beating yourself over something will make it worse.
So acknowledge that you made a mistake, but try to disconnect it from who you are. In short, your wrongdoing shouldn’t define you or become your self-identity; it should be an experience that teaches you to become a better person.
2. Understand why you are upset
Review the event and clarify why you think you need forgiveness from others or yourself. Experts recommend writing down your feelings and objectively analyzing why you are feeling guilty. Did you hurt someone? Is it something you constantly do, or did you do it this one time?
List the number of times you’ve made the mistake that keeps tormenting you. Or sort the errors in terms of severity. You will be surprised that the list is pretty short or relatively inoffensive. Also, chances are that you are a decent person if your mistakes keep bothering you.
3. It’s okay to feel guilty
Guilt, empathy, and remorse are excellent values in a person. After all, what kind of human would you be if you didn’t feel guilty for a mistake? However, things become bad when guilt turns to shame, pity, and self-hatred. These emotions slowly fester into defensive behaviors like denial, avoidance, and violence. However, feeling guilty can help you feel the need to change.
4. Ask for forgiveness
Once you understand what’s upsetting you, take responsibility and find ways to repair what you can. If you’ve wronged someone, seek forgiveness from them or offer repayment for their loss. They may not be ready, but at least it allows you to move on.
Remember, it’s also okay to have empathy for yourself. You may be feeling the other person’s hurt, but you also have to self-empathy to move on. This can help you regain perspective, and you’ll be surprised that, in most cases, nobody is as mad at you as you are.
5. Accept the consequences
Part of seeking forgiveness is being okay with the consequences. The friend who finds out you speak ill of her may never want to talk to you again, or your boss may never trust you with time-sensitive tasks after you miss a deadline. However, don’t let the punishment weigh down on you forever; find ways to redefine yourself.
The power is in your hands
Once you embark on a journey of self-forgiveness, you will find greater self-compassion, self-care, and personal growth. Indeed, empathy and remorse are essential, but this is also a powerful act of empowerment and self-development.
