As a child, your parents are the center of your universe. They shape your reality and sense of self in profound ways, both good and bad.
But as you grow, you see your parents’ humanity and imperfections. You realize they made mistakes in how they raised you. In that sense, you carry the emotional scars and baggage from those formative years.
Forgiving them can be an immense challenge. But it is also incredibly freeing and empowering.
6 ways to forgive your parents
1. Write down how you feel
Putting your feelings on paper can be tremendously cathartic. With that in mind, grab a pen and journal and write down everything you feel toward your parents, good or bad.
Once you’ve written it all out, read over what you wrote. Look for unhealthy patterns in your thinking, like blaming, resentment, or anger. You can also try to adopt a compassionate view of your parents and understand what motivated their actions. This can help you move into a more forgiving state of mind.
2. Have realistic expectations
Your parents likely did their best with the knowledge, resources, and experiences they had at the time. Remember, raising children is complex, and no one is perfect.
Though their actions may have been hurtful, your parents probably meant well and were trying to do right by you. To help you forgive, it would be best to see the good in them and honor their effort and intention. This can help balance the bad and make their mistakes more understandable.
3. See something good in them
Everyone has positive qualities, even if they aren’t the best parents. That being said, think about things like:
- Their good intentions: Perhaps they meant well but lacked the skills or awareness to parent effectively. They’re only human.
- Sacrifices they made: Providing for a family often requires great sacrifice. Appreciate the efforts they made to care for you.
- Happy memories: There were likely good times along with the bad. Let those memories soften your heart.
- Expressions of love: Notice the small acts of affection they did provide, however imperfect: a hug, words of praise, quality time together. Focus on these expressions of their care and goodwill.
4. Imagine a healed childhood for your parents
Your parents are human; they were once children with their own life experiences that shaped who they became. To help you forgive your parents, put yourself in their shoes and imagine their childhood.
Did they experience trauma, abuse, or neglect? Were they raised with certain beliefs or expectations that influenced their parenting style?
Understanding your parents’ background can help explain why they parented the way they did and make forgiving their actions easier.
5. Find a substitute parent
As a child, you naturally look to your primary caretakers to meet your nurturing, guidance, and support needs. If your parents fall short, finding a mentor, teacher, counselor, or role model can help fill that gap.
Here are two ways how to do it:
- Seek out support groups related to your experiences, such as for children of alcoholics or divorce. The group facilitator and other members can become like surrogate parents, offering wisdom, comfort, and accountability.
- Volunteer at a place that serves children, like a school, place of worship, sports team, or club. Mentoring a child in need may help fill that parental void in your life.
6. Seek an experienced therapist if needed
If you are having a difficult time forgiving your parents on your own, seeking counseling from a licensed therapist can help. A therapist is trained to listen without judgment and provide guidance. They can even offer tools and strategies tailored to your specific situation.
Working with a counselor does not mean you are weak or unable to handle problems yourself. Instead, it shows wisdom in seeking help from those with proper training and expertise.
Heal your wounds, forgive your parents
As you work to forgive your parents, remember that it is a journey. Though the past cannot be changed, the present can be shaped by your chosen perspective.
Forgiveness frees you to build healthier relationships and find greater contentment. It allows you to move forward from a place of strength and wisdom instead of regret or self-pity.
