Do you remember your first job interview or your first date? Maybe it didn’t go quite as you hoped. If so, did you blame yourself afterward? Did the memory linger, leaving you uneasy or even ashamed? When such moments leave a mark, they can quietly shape how we see ourselves — and how we pursue success.
For many people, ambition and self-discipline are almost synonymous with stress, overwork, and constant self-criticism. But according to Stanford researcher Dr. Emma Seppälä, science director at the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, this approach can backfire. In her book The Happiness Track, she challenges the belief that success must come from relentless effort and harsh self-judgment. True success, she argues, grows from something gentler — happiness and self-compassion.
How self-compassion builds resilience
Seppälä explains that compassion may sound soft, but it is a powerful psychological tool. Hundreds of studies in neuroscience and psychology show that the way we treat ourselves after failure deeply affects how we perform next time. When we respond to mistakes with understanding rather than anger, we strengthen both our mental health and our resilience — the ability to recover from stress and setbacks.
After a failed interview or disappointing meeting, for example, Seppälä recommends treating yourself as you would a good friend. Instead of scolding or judging, listen with patience and remind yourself that mistakes are part of being human. This simple shift helps you learn and grow rather than spiral into discouragement.
Psychologist Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading researchers on self-compassion, describes it as having three parts:
- Positive inner dialogue — Replace harsh thoughts like “I’m such an idiot” with kinder ones such as “That didn’t go well, but everyone slips up sometimes.”
- Recognizing our shared humanity — Everyone makes mistakes; you’re not alone in your struggles.
- Mindful awareness — Notice painful emotions without being swept away by them. You might tell yourself: “This is really difficult right now,” or “It’s understandable that I feel upset.”
Practicing this mindset, Seppälä writes, leads to improved health, reduced anxiety and depression, and a calmer ability to face challenges.
Simple ways to practice kindness toward yourself
While we can’t rewrite the past, we can change how we respond to it. In interviews, Seppälä has emphasized that speaking to ourselves as kindly as we would to a friend helps us extract lessons from experience rather than dwell on regret.
In The Happiness Track, she outlines four simple strategies for cultivating self-compassion:
- Change the tone of your self-talk. When you catch yourself being critical, try shifting to a gentler statement like: “I was distracted, and that’s okay.”
- Write yourself a letter. Imagine comforting a friend who made the same mistake, and write to yourself in that voice.
- Use compassionate language. Neff’s personal mantra is: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself and give myself the compassion I need.”
- Practice gratitude. Each day, list five things you’re thankful for — and, if possible, five accomplishments you feel proud of.
The real mistakes that hold us back from success
Seppälä also warns of seven common traps people fall into while chasing success:
- Constantly worrying about the future instead of focusing on the present.
- Overworking and neglecting self-care.
- Living in cycles of tension and excitement that lead to burnout.
- Being consumed by work and forgetting to engage in other activities.
- Criticizing oneself harshly after mistakes.
- Staying in the comfort zone and avoiding new challenges.
- Becoming too self-focused and losing connection with others.
Each of these habits drains motivation and joy. Reversing them — by resting, engaging with others, and learning from failure with compassion — can restore both creativity and energy.
Success grows from self-compassion
Seppälä hopes readers will understand that success doesn’t come from pushing harder but from caring for the mind and body that make achievement possible. When we treat ourselves with kindness, we recover faster, think more clearly, and perform better than we ever imagined.
Translated by Cecilia
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