The White-Headed Poem holds a profound, ancient meaning. It refers to the deep, enduring bond of love between a husband and wife who can walk side by side and grow old together. This poem has been passed down for thousands of years and is attributed to the talented woman Zhuo Wengjun, who is said to have written it during the Han Dynasty. It tells a poignant love story filled with sorrow and joy.
People often say: “I wish to find one true person and not be separated in old age.” This is not only an expectation of love, but also a lament about the impermanence of life. Love may be the most moving emotion in the world, yet it is also the most difficult to grasp. When two hearts are in harmony, it is like spring flowers in full bloom; when they diverge, it is frost and snow on the branches. True feelings may not be eternal; passion comes quickly but departs just as swiftly. Only those who can accompany you through wind and rain, hand in hand into your existence, are real.
A song, The Phoenix Seeks Its Mate, recounts what happened to a beauty who rushes into love.
In the Han Dynasty, a talented young man named Si Ma Xiang Ru was often unrecognized despite his talents. He heard of Zhuo Wengjun, the daughter of the wealthy man Zhuo Wangsun, in Linqiong, who was not only extraordinarily beautiful, but also exceptionally gifted, and he secretly admired her. Unfortunately, he had no status and could not aspire to her. Fortunately, his friend Wang Ji devised a plan to treat him as a distinguished guest, attracting the attention of local celebrities.
As expected, Zhuo Wangsun also invited Si Ma to a banquet. There, Si Ma pretended to be aloof and played the qin, performing The Phoenix Seeks Its Mate, whose music was lingering and emotional. The beauty was moved, and feelings blossomed. That night, Wengjun resolutely eloped with him, shocking the village.
Her father was furious and scolded the two, severing their relationship. The couple had to open a tavern outside the city where they lived, selling wine to make a living.
The test of true feelings came after wealth. Years later, Zhuo Wangsun finally let go of his grievances and, seeing his daughter steadfast and unrepentant, agreed to accept this poor son-in-law and supported him in writing. Si Ma’s talents finally flourished, and he gained the recognition of Emperor Wu of Han, achieving success and fame and quickly becoming a prominent figure in the court.
However, riches did not bring complete happiness. Si Ma began to have other thoughts, hearing rumors of beautiful women in Maoling, and entertained the idea of taking a concubine. When this news reached Wengjun’s ears, the brilliant woman, who once eloped for love and endured hardship, felt her heart freeze like ice.
She thus wrote this timeless White-Headed Poem and sent it to her husband, each phrase and sentence stained with tears. The emotions in her work were sincere and moving, the words gentle yet resolute, directly addressing her husband’s change of heart. She expressed that her feelings were as pure as mountain snow and as bright as moonlight, yet upon hearing that her spouse was swaying, she had to come to bid farewell. If marriage lacks loyalty and affection, what use is wealth? If a man values fleeting emotions over fidelity, he loses true dignity and respect.
It is said that Si Ma was suddenly awakened and ashamed after reading this poem. From then on, he abandoned the thought of taking a concubine, rekindling deep feelings with Wengjun, and they grew old together.
The White-Headed Poem was a warning bell, reminding that emotions change easily, but affection lasts and allows couples to resist. Ancient and modern people differ; the former emphasized the bond between husband and wife, respecting each other and walking side by side. Let me tell you another similar story, a timeless tale of mutual esteem.
During the Han Dynasty, a recluse named Liang Hong had lofty ambitions and did not wish to be an official. He was indifferent to fame and fortune, yet knowledgeable and talented; he preferred to farm in Nanyang, where he had found joy in cultivating and studying. Such a person naturally would not marry someone who only loved luxury and enjoyment. He once said: “If I were to find a life companion, it must be a woman who can share poverty and tranquility with me.”
Someone heard this and said to him: “I know a family whose daughter is extremely virtuous and is willing to marry you.” Liang nodded and agreed to the union. On their wedding day, he discovered that this bride was the daughter of the former governor, Meng Gong, named Meng Guang. She was tall and robust, with an appearance far from conventional beauty. People around him mocked him for taking a “big fat girl” as his spouse. But Liang said: “I married her for her virtue, not her looks.”
After marriage, Meng not only had no complaints, but also wore simple clothes, ate plain food, personally managed household affairs, and shared hardships with her husband. Whenever meals were prepared, she always respectfully held the tray with both hands, raised it high, and brought it before Liang — this is the origin of the Chinese expression “lifting the tray high.” She regarded her husband kindly, treated him like an honored guest, and never protested..
On the other hand, Liang was never forceful or angry. He respected Meng’s character and perseverance and did not reprimand or scold her. They interacted with courtesy, as if they were guests, which is the true meaning of “mutual respect.”
Later, Liang referred to himself as “Meng Guang’s husband,” showing his utmost esteem and love for his wife. This marriage was not based on wealth or beauty, but on mutual virtue and consideration, establishing a model of “the way of couples” that has endured for over a thousand years.
Ancient people valued affection, while modern people are bound by love.
Ancient people emphasized tenderness and responsibility. In traditional culture, the bond between husband and wife is not merely an emotional connection. It is a commitment to ethics and accountability, which includes mutual support, sharing hardships, and a moral obligation not to part in old age, a promise to each other for a lifetime.
Modern people often fall in love first and get married later; emotion is the premise of a union, and romance is the starting point of the relationship. Passion, however, can be fleeting; when the reality of daily life wears down the warmth of romance, marriage may also dissolve.
Ancient people emphasized marrying first and loving later, with parental orders and matchmaking being the norm. Still, feelings often gradually took root and grew through the support and adjustment of daily life. Genuine emotion was not in the initial excitement but in the deep certainty of relying on each other over the years. This was also why “holding hands and growing old together” was important.
Modern people have a tolerant attitude toward changing hearts, believing that emotions are fluid; as long as both parties leave on good terms and respect each other, there is nothing to criticize. Society encourages individuals to pursue their values and happiness, transforming everything into personal achievement and prioritizing their preferences.
In contrast, ancient people condemned those who changed their hearts, viewing it as a moral decline. The Book of Songs stated: “A man’s infatuation can still be spoken of; a woman’s infatuation cannot,” reflecting the high demand for emotional fidelity. Once a couple lost their loyalty, they were labeled “heartless men” or “cold-hearted lovers.” Their reputation was damaged, making it difficult to regain their standing.
Modern people prioritize love over affection, focusing on feelings, romance, and psychological compatibility. This kind of love ignites passion more easily, but is also more fragile, as it is difficult to withstand the test of long-term reality; one moment, they are inseparable, and the next, they become strangers or even enemies..
Ancient people valued affection over love because the former is a deep feeling that reveals one’s heart over time, a tenderness achieved through mutual accomplishments. It is an accumulation of protection and understanding behind countless daily struggles.
What do you think is more reliable, affection or love? Ancient people did not talk about love, yet they could grow old together; modern people discuss love daily, yet they can quickly fall apart, leading to family breakdowns. Love is not scarce, but those who value affection are rare.
Translated by Joseph Wu and edited by Laura Cozzolino
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