We’ve all seen and heard of orators like the Obamas, Tony Robbins, and Brene Brown who seem to be unfazed by new audiences. But for some of us, any time we are asked to address a crowd or a stranger, we wish the ground would just open up and swallow us. Maybe your voice gets shaky when conversing with someone new, or you dread the thought of even raising your hand to ask a question in class.
But is this a permanent limitation, and can it be overcome? Shyness is that nervous energy, doubt, and fear that creeps up when you want to connect with others. It may feel like part of your personality, but you can overcome it. Shyness shouldn’t be confused with being reserved or quiet, which are personality types that people shouldn’t feel pressured to change.
To fix shyness, you need self-understanding and a few reliable tools. However, before we delve into these tips to overcome shyness, let’s examine what shyness truly is and why some people are shyer than others.
What is shyness?
Have you ever felt a knot in your stomach when you are around people or when all eyes are on you? It isn’t about being reserved or introverted, but having a mix of nerves, fear, and self-consciousness anytime you meet strangers. To the point that it can make everyday situations overwhelming.
Shy people often blush easily, avoid eye contact, and struggle to speak up. Even simple tasks, such as walking into a room and introducing yourself, can be an uphill struggle. Their minds race with worries such as: “What if I say something wrong?” or “What if they think I’m weird?”
However, being shy doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Many shy people are thoughtful, observant, and kind. Shyness is simply a reaction — your body and brain trying to protect you from what feels like a risky situation.
Why are some people shy?
The degree of shyness may vary from person to person. But why does it happen?
Childhood interactions and life experiences
Some children are ridiculed or scolded so frequently that they start to feel inadequate or self-conscious. It may also happen to children who move often and lack opportunities to socialize and form lasting friendships. As a result, as they grow, they may not know how to approach social situations — they’re always expecting backlash or ridicule.
Cautious temperaments
At other times, shyness may be an inherent part of a person’s nature. Some people are just cautious or sensitive by temperament. Those born with a nervous system or a “disorder” that reacts strongly to new stimuli like new faces and situations may become “naturally shy.”
Fear
Shyness may be caused by a fear of being judged, appearing foolish, being rejected, or not meeting expectations. It’s this fear that makes people shrink and avoid new interactions.
But no matter the cause, shyness shouldn’t be a life sentence. It’s something you can work through and improve in small steps.
How to overcome shyness
1. Start small and keep practising
We’ve mentioned great orators, but there’s something most of them have in common: they were shy and introverted. It may seem counterintuitive, but effective public speaking is more about developing social skills and strategies that work for your unique style, rather than relying on your personality.
Starting small may involve something as simple as saying “hi” to your new neighbor or ordering food at a restaurant. Each time you succeed, you teach your brain that social situations aren’t as scary. Remember, it doesn’t mean every conversation you initiate will go smoothly. You’ll still encounter dismissive, rude, and even cruel people, but that’s on them, not you.
2. Challenge negative thoughts
Shyness mainly comes from negative self-talk. Your inner critic may be telling you: “I’ll sound stupid,” or “People will laugh at my ideas.” These thoughts are not usually true.
Anytime these thoughts creep in, try asking yourself: “Would you say this to a friend?”If not, replace it with some positive self-talk, such as: “This doesn’t have to be perfect,” or “It’s okay to be afraid.” Over time, you gain the courage to keep showing up even when it feels awkward.
3. Shift the spotlight
Try not to be the main character in interactions. Shyness may make you hyperaware, leaving you stressed about where to put your hands and legs, how to sit, or if you’ve chosen the right words. If you focus on the other person or crowd, you may avoid taking the center stage.
Ask questions, show curiosity, and make the other person feel heard as well. You can practice by joining social groups, and this approach can be surprisingly comforting.
4. Use open, friendly body language
You can try to master your body’s reaction and appear confident even when you’re nervous inside. Try to keep your chin up, shoulders straight, and smile when someone speaks to you.
Remember not to go overboard and appear cartoonish, as this can make you look unconfident. Just soften your posture and let yourself take space. The more people respond positively, the more you’ll find and master your confident pose.
5. Prepare ahead of time
Prepping yourself if you know you’re going to be in a social setting may boost your confidence. Preparedness may involve having two or three solid conversation starters, such as: “What brings you here?” or “Have you tried the food yet?”
You may also have go-to answers to common questions like: “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?” So whenever you freeze or feel restless, your mind will have rehearsed talking points to fall back on.
6. Celebrate small wins
You may be feeling the pressure to be outgoing, loud, and bubbly, but that’s not what overcoming shyness is about. It’s about being at ease with who you are in more situations. So celebrate every small step like the question you ask, the smile you return, and the conversation you didn’t avoid.
You can even write your small victories down. And anytime you feel you’ve regressed or you aren’t making progress, you have a reference point for your personal growth.
Final thoughts
Shyness doesn’t mean you’re broken, and it doesn’t have to be inseparable from your personality. Whether your shyness is a quiet hesitation or stomach-twisting fear of social situations, it doesn’t have to hold you back. With practice, self-compassion, and the ability to embrace discomfort, among other strategies, you can gradually improve your confidence and mental well-being.
That said, not everyone (or every crowd) will be warm and receptive, and that’s not your fault. Sometimes, the world is unkind, but it doesn’t mean you should shrink yourself to fit into it. Speak and take up space anyway, and show people your presence has value.
Over time, you’ll find the world is less intimidating. However, remember that shyness and social anxiety may have overlapping symptoms. But social anxiety is a recognized mental health condition that may need you to seek professional help.
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