It’s often hard to distinguish genuine kindness from hidden agendas. As the ancients said: “Prosperity tests oneself; adversity tests your friends.” Human nature can be fickle. If you can’t discern a person’s true intent, you may be faced with making a wrong choice.
Surface-level niceties or early hostility can’t fully reveal someone’s character. To return kindness with kindness and respond to wrongs with integrity already makes you a person of honor. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself to please others constantly. Most people won’t appreciate your kindness as much as you imagine. The following example is faced by a minister named Zhonghang Wenzi.
During ancient China’s spring and autumn periods, Minister Wenzi fell out of favor and had to flee. He passed through a town where an old friend lived — a friend who once praised him publicly and gave him generous gifts. Everyone assumed he would seek refuge with this friend, but Wenzi said: “His kindness wasn’t real — it was aimed at my power. Now that I’ve lost it, he’ll likely betray me to gain favor.” Sure enough, the friend chased after him to turn him in.
In life, we can’t always immediately tell whether a situation helps or harms us, and we cannot judge a person’s character from a few short interactions. But when the world seems unkind, we can respond with wisdom and grace.
Sima Yi, the famous strategist, once said: “Those who only think of winning may never win in the end. The first lesson in war is learning to lose well, without shame or harm. Only then can one truly laugh last.” The following story of Zhuge Liang highlights this.
When Zhuge Liang defeated Cao Zhen, he wrote to mock him, and Zhen consequently died from rage at this insult. On another occasion, Liang sent women’s clothing to insult Sima Yi for not fighting. Sima Yi knew he could not outmatch Liang in strategy, so he avoided confrontation. So Yi calmly put the clothing on and waited behind his lines until Liang eventually died from exhaustion at the Wuzhang Plains battle. So all the strength he had poured into the Shu kingdom was spent in vain. Despite winning some battles, Zhuge Liang’s seven northern campaigns ultimately failed to shift the tide of war.
From a psychological perspective, a person’s behavior patterns are shaped by past experiences, habits, preferences, self-esteem, and learned reactions. Every interaction with the world subtly reshapes the mind. On the other hand, a “good person” who received encouragement for doing good deeds reinforces their kindness.
We, like most, follow the usual paths and receive the same basic education, yet we believe we have a better conscience than others and deserve better treatment. But the harsh reality or truth is this: in other people’s eyes, we may be anonymous passers-by. We may be ignored, dismissed, or even disliked — not because we’re lesser, but because we’re not as special to them as we think.
People don’t change easily because their environment often reinforces — or at least tolerates — their habitual behavior.
Choosing to act kind
In most cases, we should choose to act kindly. But when the world turns against us, we must find clever, composed ways to resolve conflict, as shown by the following story.
Once, a bright and beautiful young woman who worked and fought hard to pass the civil service exam landed a not-so-glamorous job that offered stability. As with any workplace, drama followed. An older female colleague inexplicably disliked her, constantly criticized her appearance, and fabricated rumors to make her life difficult.
The young woman felt helpless without access to outside connections or personal influence. In desperation, she began researching her colleague’s interests and discovered she was a die-hard fan of a local opera style. The young woman then started casually praising the opera, even playing clips in the elevator. Slowly, conversation grew. They even went to karaoke together to sing opera songs. To everyone’s surprise, their relationship changed drastically. The once-hostile colleague began actively supporting her, even helping her gain opportunities she never had before.
The lesson here shows how real strength lies in our ability to defuse hostility and turn enemies into allies. When facing hostile mistreatment, avoid panicking and falling victim; instead, seek and find novel ways to achieve a kind, win-win outcome.
True strength often lies not in winning, but in knowing when and how to let go — using wisdom, grace, and compassion.
Translated by Katy Liu and edited by Maria
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